I have sat in silence and meditation reflecting both on [...] words of wisdom and my journey in ministry. In short, I have discovered one of my own personal struggles is with the concept and construct of “readiness” cemented within me. Since childhood, I have been intentional about my preparation. I have been diligent in both my academic and ministerial pursuits because I wanted to be “ready” for the doctoral process and “ready” for the pastorate. Somewhere along my journey, preparation morphed into a cell and "ready” became a prison.
In my waking hours and my sleep, I constantly find questions and concerns to support my “need” to continue growing and maturing without actually functioning in either of those roles. There comes a time when one has to step out of the boat and trust that one’s intentions born of love, courage, and self-awareness will sustain you—even in chaotic conditions.
I suppose I have been in the temple admiring God’s adornments, counting the wings of the angels, harmonizing their song, coughing in response to the smoke, and answering the Divine inquiry: “Whom shall I send? And who will go for us” (Isaiah 6:8) with “You know God, I am willing just reveal the texts I should read; and I have some questions about logistics and demographics; and do not forget I stutter sometimes; and I have not had the opportunity to experience this stuff; I’ve read about it but beyond that…”
The desire to minimize the possibility of mistakes is unrealistic at best and a byproduct of my long identified struggle with perfectionism. I am thankful that Spirit remains committed to breaking up fallow ground within me that I have hallowed indiscriminately. Now I construct “ready” as a fluid evolutionary cycle. As I am always becoming—I am always being made ready.
On Monday, for the first time ever in my life, I said to God, “I am ready! Send Me!”